Inside Leslie's Pants

Last time I bash yet surprisingly bring film school back up on its feet

Finding out what you truly want to do in life after receiving your degree in a completely unrelated field (although I could make the case that the two are wholly related, but then again can’t you do that with a lot of things in life?) is an admittedly scary and daunting task. But if I truly want it, I believe I can pursue it. Yeah, it may be late in the game but if I feel so strongly about it, then why not?

I don’t feel that what I pursued in college is something I regret, I see it as an experience. After a lot of stiff drinks, rainy days and redundant talks which involved me slurring my words, I can finally call it that. I had a passion, went for it, and that’s not something a lot of people can say. What I did during those four years was pursue a creative endeavor, developed a new sense of self and awareness of what I want academically, although the major itself and the coursework did not seem academic. I learned to deconstruct and construct films, look beyond what’s in front of me, and learned more about history and other people’s perspectives through documentaries and analyses of what is most commonly known as Third World cinema. I found myself complaining about the work and critical theory and wanted so badly to just produce something, ANYTHING with a camera. Looking back now when professors had said that this film program was much different from that of Academy Art or NY Film Academy, they weren’t kidding. Those programs focus solely on the craft and their ability to churn out people who can fill a crew and run a gamut of technical skills. Oh, and someone who can carry a 10k light. That is shit is fucking heavy. Your ability to run around the set and not electrocute yourself would be your best asset. And to a lot of people, that’s what they want. They want the program to just tell them what they already know but since the powers that be require that you have some filmic knowledge in the form of a certificate or a degree, you have to go through the motions. In the case of SFState, the motions were that you had to go through a shit ton of theory and academia to get to a camera. Even then, you still had to sit in the oftentimes stuffy theater with seating much too comfortable to allow for any attention to be served to the lecturer or obscure Surrealist-cum-Dada-alluding film which begs you to use your grey matter to bullshit some meaning out of it.

Although I liked to talk mad shit about the education I got from film school through the university lens (I would reference one of my previous entries that talked at length about the shortcomings of going to film school and yeah, how it was a steaming pile of bullshit wrapped in a French New Wave film with a Godard bow) I’ve come to realize that if you sort out the pretentious nature and really look at what I’ve learned through the years, the seemingly meaningless and inane discussion actually counted for something in the end. Without the countless academic papers on films and directors with undiagnosed mental problems (dudes needed some therapy and film was definitely it), I wouldn’t be able to come to such a conclusion about my life and really observe what is around me. They weren’t kidding when they said that the art of film was all encompassing and could serve as a humanities course. If you think about it, a lot of film has adapted other forms of art (literature, painting, music, etc) and put it through a different type of lens. Analyzing these various mediums from different directors, editors, writers allowed for you to create a different worldview. If that previous statement didn’t sound like the most pretentious yet undeniably insightful view of what a mass of critical theory throughout film school was like, then I fucking wasted thousands of dollars on my university education. Sorry, mom. If it did, then yes! My degree is serving its purpose at this moment.

I think what struck me most during my whole “soul-searching period”, which is made embarrassingly evident through the recent string of written Tumblr entries that I have publicly posted, is that I had thought about this academic shift before but I reasoned with myself to stick it out and get that degree. That was my fault for not listening to myself in the beginning and suppressing that urge to do something more, even if it meant a little more time spent. Now here I am, with the urge stronger than ever. But what can you do, right? You can only go forward from here and work with what you’ve got. Initially when you have bouts of introspection, dwelling can serve some purpose. But now’s the time to be proactive and have a game plan. If I was able to finish school in that inordinate amount of time considering the problems that befell the state university system, I believe I can do this. If my purpose in pursuing this is to serve the greater good and is something that I feel so strongly about even years after the fact that I had thought about it, then I should do something about it. Now is the best time.

I know, I know. I’ve also reasoned with myself that it’s not going to be as easy as it was coming out of high school and having school be the only focus. Apparently I’m not keen on taking the easy road. It seems like (and probably will be) a Sissyphean effort considering the economy and the exorbitant price of a grad school education, but it can be done. There’ll be a lot of empty cans of Campbell’s soup and hip-flask wearing nights to the bar, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

Better late than never.